I am thoroughly convinced that the ‘good things’ in life are not dependent on what must be obtained, but instead are there already, merely waiting on the dumpage of excess.

For instance, services like my land line; the phone chords clutter my office, I spend 30 bucks a month and I use it very rarely. I no longer need to pay for this. And there are the things filling up the space of my home. I am full to busting - why would I keep those ugly pants and that series of books I’ll never read? And then there are activities that no longer serve me, like spending time cleaning up all that shit I don’t need. Or the phobias that stop me from what I want to do.

We are streamlining our house, we are monitoring our spending and we are re-sorting our priorities. It may sound as if we have added stringency to our lives, but what it feels more like is liberation. I can move more freely, I know what to do next and I am so excited. We have more time and are filling the voids with things that fulfill us. Can life get much better than this?

I'll let you know in about 2 or 3 months how this is working out but last night we slept peacefully, feeling that we are at last moving in a steady and forward direction.

I can become dark and brooding and wanting to wallow in self pity. Eeeeeeeeee I don’t like that girl. So what to do?

Ironically I tend to write my stuff for ‘Spread Something Good’ immediately following an ‘event not so good’. It is my effort to move in the right direction as I assume a ‘not so good’ experience is really just one of the many guideposts I’ll encounter in my lifetime.

So this is my therapy and my chance to view life in positive way. I want to spread this idea as well. Not because I’m any smarter than anybody else, but feeling good is contagious. Maybe nobody reads this but me. That means at worst I am bringing myself back to center. Maybe once in a blue moon someone happens upon it. Maybe it will do some good. But I can at least be sure I’ll do no harm.

It seems to me that life is just a series of adjustments to your path. Mostly you veer from right to left in an effort to stay in your groove and continue forward. Sometimes you veer way off and must struggle to get back. Sometimes you change your path altogether. Sometimes you back track – don’t kid yourself. We never stand still.

All the while you are gathering up and letting go. Things and people come into your life while other things and people go. Sometimes you must make the difficult decision to push away. Sometimes you are hurt when they fall aside. But these changes, however painful, are just getting you where you need to be. I think on all the years I’ve hurt for someone or something that ‘left me’. Truth was I just didn’t need to ‘stay there’.

A good friend is a rarity. And I think probably a bore – no fun. When we go out to have fun, and intentionally veer off our path a bit, we don’t want to be reminded of where we are. It is more comfortable to be with those accepting and joining in on the veering. We say, please stay here with me in this icky place. And so there it is.

I am coming out of the dark. I don’t want to be there. This feels good. I’m not in a crowd, but hey, those around me are fabulous.

Thanks

LOOK, IT'S A POST!

June is coming to a close and I’ve not posted since April! So much has happened. I’ve added a bathroom to my home. I’ve added a husband to my family. I’ve endured a serious illness and been to Mexico on vacation. Just about had all I could handle. No, correction, I’ve had more than I could handle.

I’m embarrassed to notice that my March post speaks of listening to my body and not letting myself get overwhelmed. Apparently that was just the cliff’s notes to the course that was coming and I evidently did not absorb much from the summary.

So, here I am 2 weeks past my wedding and 4 months past Bell’s Palsy. I made it through both. The Bell ’s palsy was hell. The wedding was a blast but seems like a vague dream that I observed from outside of my body. Mexico was heaven and the time off with Richard was great.

Now it is back to the real world and I miss my new husband. He works a different shift from me. I only see his sweet, sleepy face for about ten minutes before I leave for work in the morning. He gets about twenty or thirty minutes of incoherent conversation with his comatose wife after coming home from his evening shift. This contrast from the 9 days of being together has put me in rather a funk and my gray, windowless cube walls are making it difficult for me to be thankful I have a good job to come home to.

But the weekend is upon us. When Richard gets off tonight, he will be mine for a couple of days. I’m looking forward to having the closeness again, until next week when I’m delivered the reality that comes between us and shows me how much I love him.

SEEKING

Today I got nothing.
And I'm looking.

Listening to My Body

I made a vow several months ago to not be so busy.

Since that time I have been trying to move mountains in order to achieve this illusive goal. I have spent an exorbitant amount of time working toward the realization of an easy and carefree life. And so, here I go moving things around, throwing things away, bagging things up, re-organizing.

I have spent the last 5 days on the couch contemplating the irony that I have injured myself while working toward the goal of relaxation. And with no adequate prescriptions to assist, have spent those said days horizontal and with my favored elixir, the chardonnay.

The positive things that have occurred during my stay on the couch are these:

I have learned how to use the television remote.
I have learned that moving things from one room to another is not the same as organization nor does this create more space.
I have also learned that everything doesn't have to have a deadline. Some things can just get done when they get done.
I have learned that super organization is probably not going to occur for me in this life.
I have learned that what is keeping me from the lifestyle I desire has nothing to do with what I don't have, but all to do with what I do have - and hoard!
And I have learned who really loves me even when I'm down.

I have also found that relaxing and allowing yourself down time is not an achievement but a decision.

I think tonight after I get home I'll take a walk and then watch some Andy Griffith reruns on the television so don't call me because I'm busy.

LOVE

So, here we are in February, a month devoted to love. Wouldn't it be nice if scheduling a holiday for love was about as silly as scheduling a holiday for breathing. Wouldn't it be cool if loving was something we all just did constantly and when someone suddenly found themselves not loving, sirens would blare and emergency professionals would race in to resuscitate a person's ability to love.

Yes, I know this seems a bit sappy, happy. I know I might at times seem a bit too full of sweetness, sugar and light. But to you individuals who find this thinking distasteful and unrealistic and a bit too Pollyanna, take your grumpy-ass funk somewhere else. Yup, I have my moments. I just make sure I don't write on the days that I'm grumpy and sullen. But the good thing about those days is that, after wallowing in them for a spell, interesting information will reveal itself if allowed. It is usually at those times I am inspired to write.

Today started rough. But I have learned today how to let some things pass. And that makes me feel better.

Time for a glass of wine and a good night of music. And happy evening!

BLEW PAST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A PEEP

I've been so busy! It has an amazing 90 days or so.

Christmas preparations were interrupted by a business trip to Boston. Good stuff as I had great food, learned lots and visited my adorable niece. But it made getting ready for Christmas quite a task.

And as if that weren’t enough, I had previously committed to being the accompaniment to my sister’s vocal Christmas carol presentation at her holiday open house. This was my first public gig and it was good for me. I’ve been hoping to wrestle my stage freight to the ground once and for all and this was a great place to start sparing. I mean, let’s face it; the crowd was made up of our family members and her close friends and fellow church members. It wasn’t like I was going to be heckled off the floor no matter how bad I sucked. Nothing out there but oozing love and well wishes. Regardless, I was terrified. I am happy to report, however, that I survived the ordeal and actually quite enjoyed it. Thank God one of her wayward friends showed up with a bottle of chardonnay that I quickly opened, it seeming almost like permission to have a drink at the all out Baptist gathering. I’m told I did quite well and that the many mistakes I know I made went unrealized. Of course, it was a family member that told me this. That’s okay. It was a start!

That passed, it was all out Christmas readiness time. I adore the holiday season and all that goes with it. I enjoy decking the halls and Christmas carols, gatherings with good friends and even a bit of cold weather. I love giving gifts and getting them as well. And Santa was good to me this year, that’s for sure.

I got a ring from Richard. It is a beautiful piece of jewelry with a clear stone, I am told (I’m clueless about these things). The design is simple with elegant lines and it came to me as a perfect fit, both physically and aesthetically. I think it fits our relationship as well. It is shiny and clear and free of overly showy ornamentation with a thin band that doesn’t bind or crimp, but hugs my finger comfortably. The man actually went to both knees to ask for my hand. In the early hours of Christmas Eve 2006 we made a pact, a promise. This is it. Buds for life. Woa!

New Years felt especially happy this year. The upcoming year looks to be a bright one with lots of excitement and changes to come and I am looking so forward to it. 2007 is going to rock!

GIVING THANKS

Most everyone enjoys giving thanks on Thanksgiving Day. And what’s not to be thankful for? The table is overloaded with delicious food and all the people that are most important are all around. Even the leaves on the trees are consorting to fashion the most perfect and wondrous day with their brilliant colors.

What is a challenge is being thankful on less than perfect days. It is hard to be aware of what lovely things may be at work for you or what tragedy might be avoided only because things, at the moment, seem bleak.

Did that flat tire keep me from a head on collision? Did having to stay late at work divert some other deal breaking confrontation with a loved one? These gifts we can never know of, but some gifts, in hindsight, we can see clearly.

One Tuesday night I happened into a restaurant near my home. Work was becoming unsatisfying and stressful. At home a huge mess and angry daughters awaited me. I was out Christmas shopping without enough money. It seemed there was no positive direction to turn in my life, anywhere. So I did something I NEVER, EVER do. I stopped for a drink BEFORE going home.

Now don’t get me wrong, everyone who knows me is aware that I enjoy my glass or two (or three) of wine every evening. But that comes after dinner. Maybe, just maybe, I'll have a glass while I’m cooking, but that’s only if it’s been a really rough day. But this night was different. I couldn’t even begin to imagine going home where stress had hit an all time high. My younger daughter was angry with me. My older daughter had moved back home with her three dogs, bringing the total to five canines in a very small house. She was pushing me to the edge and on top of that, they were fighting with each other. The garbage was ransacked daily by the dog pack and it normally required about 45 minutes of cleaning to even think about beginning dinner. What had been my sanctuary had become my living hell. I did not want to go home.

So instead I went to the BBQ restaurant I’d eaten in at minimum of once a month for at least three years. However this time I sat at the bar.

Who would have ever suspected that the stress of my household, which at the time I saw as some undeserved punishment, was actually the catalyst to great happiness. Who could have known that the attention of the handsome bartender would be the start of so much more than an enjoyable hour at a neighborhood hangout? Was I pushed into his arms? Is that what it took for us to find each other? Would it have happened some other way if not this?

Thanksgiving, not just the warm-up holiday for Christmas anymore. So here goes. Thanks for fighting, girls! Hey dogs! Thanks for destroying my kitchen every day for months on end. Chip, thanks for making my job so miserable! And thanks, universe. I'll listen a little closer next time. And thanks, Richard! It was about time you showed up! I’d been waiting.

HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES

Richard and I went to Church on Sunday. We loaded up the automobile with a full picnic basket, a guitar and a camera and headed northeast for Buck’s Pocket.

In this unbelievably beautiful setting, many emotions were experienced. Among them was the sensation of awe as we completed our ascension to one of the many bluffs and rested, overlooking miles and miles of brilliant color. There was the joy and satisfaction of fine dinning on a leftover roast dinner with a good merlot and a guitar case for a table. There was the incredible closeness we felt, experiencing this beauty and tranquility together. There was even comic relief when I spilled water all over Richard’s foot and he took off his sock, hanging it over a branch in the futile hope it would dry by the end of our picnic.

We were quieter driving home. But the silence was full. It was a reverence and thankfulness. I can imagine no Carnival Cruise more enjoyable, no tastier meal served with greater care. I can imagine no day finer than this. The vibrant colors of the leaves, the sounds of the forest and the view of the cerulean blue sky were all for free All that glory, just sitting there, wanting to be viewed, we only needed to go and enjoy it.

Hallelujah!

GERTIE CARDEN circa 1982 - OCTOBER 25, 2006
Gertie died yesterday. I received the news a day late as I was out yesterday and the announcement was on my office voicemail. Gertie was my daughter's elderly dog. I guess that made her my grand-doggie.

Judging from her attitude, Gertie was once quite the looker. Melissa provided an assortment of outfits for her. Her favorite was a sassy blue jean skirt paired with a pink 'foxy lady' tank. She would sashay about with all the in your face kind of confidence you'd expect from Madonna or Prince. Happily for Gertie, her cloudy eyes failed years ago and she was unaware of the off-putting condition that caused her skin to hang in great folds and wrinkles from her mid-section and down. She didn't seem bothered by the odd configuration of the remaining 3 teeth that jutted out strangely from a severe under bite. She went to her grave believing that she was as breath taking as ever. I’m glad for this.

Gertie had many endearing qualities. For one, she was a brave lady. Even though she weighed less than 20 pounds, I am here to testify that nobody but nobody was going to put one over on the Gert. Big dogs or little, her space was her space and she did not mind letting this be known.

Another quality was her positive attitude. She lived in my household for quite a while and was always upbeat and happy. She never seemed to mind or be daunted by the frequent change of layout in my home even though that meant she had to endure many bumps while learning her way.

I loved her sweet little habit of helping you lift her. Just as you began to hoist her up she would do a little jump with her hind legs as if she were rising of her own volition.

When Missy first met her, she had long since been dumped at the vet where Melissa worked. I suppose her previous owners no longer found her charming, believing that a pet is something one can just use up and throw away. The vet didn’t want to put her down, but who would ever adopt this old, unattractive, blind and toothless dog...

Melissa would. Because of Melissa, this little dog got several pampered years at the end of her life. And she deserved them.

Thanks, Melissa. I’m so glad there are people like you out there.

Thanks, Gertie. You knew how to live. Thanks for showing me.

I’m sorry I rearranged the furniture so much. I’m sorry I didn’t know to hug you goodbye last time you came to visit. I miss you already.

STAYING UP WHILE DEALING WITH PAIN

This morning I was in line in the cafeteria and a guy in front of me dropped some change. He is kind of a strange guy.. terrible complexion, overweight and always alone. I don’t know him or even know his name. He walks with an odd limp and I suspect he has an artificial leg. He was trying to pick up his change and he was having a hard time and couldn’t see where it all was. I just jumped down and said, ‘Oh, I see it’, and got it for him. I dropped a dime in his hand and gave him a smile and a warm 'You're welcome', to his thank you.

This is a man who probably doesn’t receive an abundance of acts of kindness. He seemed so grateful at my retrieving the dime. It made me not hurt for a minute and I realized - there's your prozac.

Make an effort. It's not altruistic, it's selfish. It just feels good.